


Doomed To Repeat

by Im_The_Doctor (Bofur1)



Category: Undertale (Video Game), underswap
Genre: Alternate Universe - Underswap (Undertale), Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Brotherly Angst, Caretaking, Childhood Trauma, Delirium, Denial, Fear of Death, Fever, Flashbacks, Responsibility, Sans (Undertale) Needs a Hug, Self-Worth Issues, Sickfic, Whump, Worry, fear of failure, self deprecation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 23:41:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29974065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bofur1/pseuds/Im_The_Doctor
Summary: When Papyrus comes down with a fever, it brings back old and eerily familiar anxieties for Blue.
Relationships: Papyrus & Sans (Undertale)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 38





	Doomed To Repeat

This wasn’t happening again. It was going to be fine! Blue swore fiercely as he heaped a handful of medicine bottles from the cabinet. With Blue taking such magnificent care of him, Papy would be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed again in no time (though he had neither eyes nor a tail.) He would be _well_ and all would be _fine_ and Blue wouldn’t allow such doubts to seed in his mind again.

Until the next time.

One of the pill bottles slipped through his hands, clattering and popping to spill its contents into the sink. Blue faltered to a stop as the precious little capsules circled the drain.

One by one by one they bounced out of sight and…he continued to watch.

Why was he just standing there? Why didn’t he set aside what he already had in his arms and do anything to stop them? _Fool_. Papyrus might have needed those pills, _those_ in particular, and now Blue would have to rush to and from the pharmacy for more.

The nearest was almost halfway across town and the car was low on gas from his excursion yesterday, a lovely outing with his new human friends. He should have made a stop to refuel on the way home. Why hadn’t that idea occurred to him then, when it was important?

Didn’t Undyne live closer to the pharmacy? Could Blue call on her to make that trip? She was what the humans called a “night owl”; surely she would still be awake at this hour. She would answer her phone. Blue knew how dear his brother was to her. If she knew how poorly Papy was doing—

But he wasn’t! Desperation clamored to insist. He _wasn’t_ doing poorly; he’d been in worse shape before, at least, and Blue wouldn’t allow it to go any farther.

How could he have let it come so far already? _Senseless, useless clod. You never learned a thing_.

That only meant he had to try twice as hard. This was just like any other battle; he could hold the line here. He would prove just how capable he could be on his own. Undyne didn’t need to be bothered.

The sound of wet, grating coughs from the other room stirred his restless soul. He didn’t dare waste any more time, crossing the hall and shouldering open the door to dump the rest of the medicine bottles onto Papyrus’ nightstand. Papy flinched at the jarring noise, eye sockets cracking open into narrow slits. As soon as he took note of the bottles, he cringed deeper into his blankets.

“Nnnh…no…” he slurred pleadingly. “No more, dun’ make me take an’more, _please_ …”

“These are only precautionary, brother!” Blue assured him with false cheer, his hands skittish as he arranged the bottles into a neat row, each an inch apart. He measured the distance twice to be certain. “I’m making them easily accessible if you should need them. But you won’t! Your—Your fever will break sometime in the night and you’ll be your proper self again by morning. I’m sure of it!”

Hadn’t he believed that last time, when he almost…? But Blue was older and wiser now. He wouldn’t be making any of those same mistakes; that had to count for _something_.

“Dun’ make me.” Papyrus didn’t seem to absorb a word that had been said. “S’too much…all at once, all th’ time…It stings…”

Blue stiffened.

He wasn’t sure why.

There was no reason to think that sounded familiar, that Papyrus had ever described anything like that to him before.

“ _Stinging, needles, needles all over. Cold…! Ow, ow, oww…_ ”

If he had ever said such things, Blue surely would have listened. Surely he would have cared and understood and realized exactly what Papyrus needed and that was what he would have done for him.

If he hadn’t been so unforgivably stupid.

“Heh…heh, hey now, there’s no need to kick up a fuss, Papy,” he assured him lightly, jaw aching for the sake of his smile. “I’m here to help you. That alone should be a boost for your spirits!”

There was an unseen hand of guilt squeezing at the back of his skull, mocking him. He hadn’t even noticed anything was amiss when he came home. He had assumed Papyrus was sound asleep as usual and hadn’t even taken a meager second to indulge common decency to check in on him. Had he done so, he would have seen that both the couch and Papyrus’ room were empty.

Muffet would have noticed. After those many years with her “bone hatchlings” secure in her web, she would have discovered something improper in an instant. She would have heard the pipes running. _What are you, deaf or witless? Too wrapped up in your happy little head to think of his safety, home alone all that time?_

Perhaps growing up with her overseeing had made Blue complacent. How much time had he squandered with his inane little nightly routine before ducking into the bathroom to find his brother…?

Clutching the edge of the nightstand for balance as the room seemed to swerve, Blue tried for a hasty breath to center himself. Papyrus’ room was stuffy with sweat and old smoke; there wasn’t enough clean air to fill his ribcage. His soul churned and trembled, barely audible under the memory of roaring water.

_Pawing at the limp form sprawled in the growing puddles, gasping at the way his bones burned under his touch._

_“Papyrus? Papyrus! Can you hear me, brother?”_

_It was a memory of a memory, a living nightmare returned to beat him down again, to tear away control, to finish its job after all these years. Blue couldn’t do this again, he couldn’t face it. This time he would lose him, he would fail him again and there would be no rescue, no coming back_ —

Trembling fingertips brushed his arm and he startled, reeling sideways to smack the hand Papyrus had outstretched. A millisecond later he realized what he had done and grabbed for it, shamefacedly pressing it between his own. Sticky, sickly heat radiated from Papyrus’ palm, bleeding into his, but he couldn’t let go now. It was his anchor.

“I’m sorry.” That couldn’t be his voice, could it, tense and tremulous? Had he even said that aloud or was it only one of the many thoughts crowding his head?

_Just look at him. Look at him, he’s more important. Hold onto him, have to make sure he stays real._

Papyrus’ sockets were half-lidded, eyelights drowned out by the amber glow in his cheekbones, but beyond the exhaustion there was a watery spark of lucidity that made him twitch his fingers, trying to squeeze.

“…Sans?”

Papyrus’ voice was little more than a fragile wheeze through chattering teeth but it was enough. Not “Blue,” he had said, but “Sans,” which meant that even through the haze he could discern something was wrong.

Stars, Sans couldn’t even keep a modicum of composure for him. Was he always so pathetic? He couldn’t afford to show such weakness, not now, when Papyrus needed to lean on him.

“ _Your help will be the most vital for him. He’ll need your spirit and your strength to lean on every day_.”

_“Something’s wrong with me…Why can’t I be strong like you are? Why am I like this?!”_

“It’s alright,” he choked out, throat hitching to betray him. “You’re alright. That’s really all that matters, Papy, is that you’ll be alright. Please, don’t trouble yourself with anything else.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is sort of an exploration of Blue's repressed/subconscious trauma from the events of [Heed The Signs](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24630151/chapters/59505955). If you haven't read that one, basically babybones Papyrus got really sick and Blue, being a kid himself who didn't know any better, made some poor choices while trying to care for him. He couldn't really forgive himself for his mistakes, even after Pap recovered, so seeing him in that position again just brings all of his ingrained fears back to the surface. 
> 
> The poor guy needs a hug.


End file.
